The Adventures of Joxn
by joxn
Summary: The worst fanfic you will ever read.
1. Pirate Joxn

Chapter One: Pirate Joxn

One day, Pirate Captain Joxn was on his ship, the S.S. Alpha Team. His first mate Tahsis, his cabin boy Neryann, his deckhands Hope, Wenli, Yuxin, and Joe, and his trusty parrot Maxwell were busy helping him sail to Bostonia. He was planning a raid on the S.S. Buttholes. The night before his raid, Pirate Joxn was questioning his prisoner Andrew, a captured spy from the S.S. Buttholes.

While all the other crew mates had gone to sleep, Pirate Joxn brought Andrew to the concealed room in his quarters. He shoved Andrew onto the ground and locked the door behind him. Joxn grasped Andrew's pirate sword, slowly running his finger down the hard blade. "Tell me, what have you done with my ship cook, David?" Andrew whimpered but refused to answer. "What have you done with him?" he repeated. "I will kill you if you don't tell." Andrew groaned as Joxn dragged his pirate sword down Andrew's spine. Joxn fingered one of Andrew's long curly hairs and yanked it out, causing Andrew to cry out. Pirate Joxn dragged Andrew to a wall. Chaining Andrew to the wall, Pirate Joxn pulled out a long whip and cracked it inches away from Andrew's face. Andrew gasped at the loud noise. Pirate Joxn cracked his whip against Andrew's thigh bringing up a red welt. Andrew gritted his teeth and panted but still refused to respond. Roaring with fury, Joxn raised his whip again, bringing it down on Andrew's back. Again and again, he whipped him, Andrew crying out more loudly each time. After an hour, Andrew still hadn't broken down. Joxn sunk his fingers into Andrew's red swollen flesh. "Where is David?" Joxn roared, "You filthy landlubber." A scream burst out from below. Enraged, Joxn killed by Andrew by repeatedly thrusting his sword into his backside and stormed out to the deck with his red sword dripping.


	2. Into the Fray

Chapter Two: Evaluation Day

Joxnpaw woke up in his den. His skin felt cold and his eyes stung. He looked to his right and there lie a small, feeble apprentice like himself. It was his litter mate Tahsispaw. He realized he still had fur, claws, and a tail. He only dreamed of being a pirate, but to his dismay he was only a mediocre apprentice of shadowclan.

When he was old enough to catch his own prey he wandered into a two legs nest and his life changed. Inside the two legs nest there was a magic illuminating box where the pirates lived. Joxnpaw was entranced by the twolegs pirate with a pirate hat and dreadlocks. The pirate was in the magic box four times each moon every seven days. Joxnpaw made a habit of visiting the twolegs nest to see the pirate in the box. He was ashamed to even tell his littermate Tahsispaw about his fascination with pirates.

Today was Joxnpaw and Tahsispaw's evaluation. While Joxnpaw had been daydreaming of life as a pirate again, Tahsispaw pounced on Joxnpaw in excitement for their evaluation.

"We're going to be warriors soon!" Tahsispaw mewed in excitement. Joxnpaw shook his head and tried to put his mind in reality. He knew he would need all his concentration if he wanted be able to catch the three mice needed for the evaluation. He thought of how easy it would be to catch mice if he were a pirate. Tahsispaw padded out of their shared apprentice den.

"Good luck!" exclaimed Hopepaw, Rainpaw, Waynepaw, and Joepaw, their fellow apprentices. "Today you join Maxpad and Davidwing in the ranks of warriors!"

As Joxnpaw walked out of the den, he looked around his beloved camp. By the leader's den, Jasonstar and his deputy Safastorm were sharing tounges. When they saw him staring, they quickly stopped, embarrasses. Joxnpaw let out a purr of amusement. Every cat in Shadowclan knew about their "secret" love. Nearby, he saw Sethwhisker, Henryfur, and Michaelstripe coming in from the morning patrol. By the medicine cat's den he saw Nerypool. the medicine cat, training Sangpaw, his apprentice, in the art of asexuality. By the apprentice den, he saw Chrispaw, Anniepaw, and Xingpaw, the younger apprentices, watching the four older apprentices play-fight. And finally, he saw Kellykit and Alicekit being scolded by Ellispelt, the only queen in the nursery. Joxnpaw sighed, distracted again by a sudden thought about pirates.

Suddenly, a small bundle of fur rolled into him. "Oh, hi there Jesskit..." mewed Joxnpaw. Tahsispaw ran up to Jesskit. Taking Jesskit's paw in his mouth, Tahsispaw exclaimed, "I need meat!" Joxnpaw, exasperated, pulled Jesskit out of Tahsispaw's mouth. Tahsispaw scurried to the fresh kill pile and made dirt on it. "Don't worry, Jesskit, he's just nervous." sighed Joxnpaw. He didn't understand why Tahsispaw was so excited to be something other than a pirate.

Maxpad, Joxnpaw's mentor, padded up to him. "Ready for your big day?" Joxnpaw nodded, trying to appear as excited as Tahsispaw did. "Well too bad, mousedung." replied Maxpad. "You're a failure." Joxnpaw scowled, but secretly agreed. He was a failure... "Relax, I'm kidding. Now go get some fresh kill and meet me at the thorn barrier when you finish."


	3. Evaluation Day

Chapter Three: Into the Fray

Suddenly, Andrewfang, a Thunderclan warrior, and many other Thunderclan cats burst into the camp. Joxnpaw watched as a battle raged around him. Suddenly, Joxnpaw felt alive. He felt like a real pirate, a swashbuckling pirate, surrounded by real battle. Maxpad beside him cried, "change of plans! This battle is your new evaluation!" as he raced into the fray. Joxnpaw chased after him. He slashed and clawed, fighting for his clan, his mentor, his leader, his pirates. As the battle died down, Joxnpaw felt stronger than ever before. He looked up and saw injured and even dead cats around. Maxpad lay near him, alive but hurt. But when Joxnpaw looked down at his own pelt, he was miraculously uninjured. He suddenly realized the difference between him and the other cats, why he was uninjured and the other cats so damaged. His secret was he pretended that he was a swashbuckling pirate and was given strength to fight and invicibility in battle. He imagined his claws were long sabers, slicing his enemies. Slowly, Shadowclan drove Thunderclan back to the border.

Joxnpaw and Tahsispaw had finished their evaluation and were excited to get their warrior names. Jasonstar called all the cats old enough to catch their own prey to the middle of the camp for a meeting. He named Joxnclaw for his fierce fighting during battle and Tahsisleaf for his swiftness.

"Fantastix!" Tahsisleaf shouted. During the first night of their vigils, he collected a lot of sticks to try to build a fire. "What the mousedung are you doing?" Joxnclaw responded. "Hey!" Maxpad yelled at them, "You broke the silence of the vigil!" "God, Maxpad is such a mouse anus snout." Joxnclaw scoffed. "Hey!" Maxpad heard him. "First breaking the warrior code and now disrespecting elders, you have to be banned and go on a diplomatic journey to the other clans!" Tahsisleaf succeeded in lighting a fire and burned Shadowclan down. Cats ran hither thither. "Oh my Starclan" hissed Joxnclaw to Tahsisleaf. "You're so stupid!" Joxnclaw pushed Tahsisleaf into the fire he created. Joxnclaw summoned his pirate powers and unleashed a wave from the seven seas onto the camp. Another magic pirate power! Boy, was Starclan generous today! It washed the fire out but unfortunately Jasonstar and Safastorm were killed on impact. Fortunately Tahsisleaf survived his minor burns. Nerypool, the medicine cat, pronounced Joxnclaw Joxnstar and Tahsisleaf his deputy as well as pronouncing them mates. "This clan shall now be known as Twincestclan!"


	4. Back to the Pirate Part

Chapter Four: Back to the Pirate Part

Then Joxn woke up. He scratched his stomach, wondering blankly why he had such a strange dream about feline warriors. But suddenly his sight flooded bright white with rage as he thought of his lost cook, David. He charged out of his room, turned to his crewman and punched him, then grabbed at the telescope, looking through and searching for any enemy ships that might be holding his beloved cook David hostage. He zeroed in on the S.S. Buttholes far away in the Theory Numberei Cove, flying the pallid yellow and black colors of war. "All crewmen on deck!" he thundered. "They must surrender David, or they must die!"

Joxn unloaded his bestial guns, thrusting a missile into the lower decks of the S.S. Buttholes. Screams rang out as Buttholes crewman ran frantically to fend off the offensive. "We're going in by force! To save David in distress!" Joxn led his crewmen with their long swords wielded onto the ship, slashing at the Buttholsians as they went. Joxn laughed hysterically, and defeated Buttholsians crumbled into puddles of bodily fluids.

Yet from the depths of the Buttholsians ship, the gremlin Dolby rose from the blackness, his small golden eyes gleaming. "You won't save David today!" he screeched, and released a smelly black gas from somewhere in his behind. Joxn's crew began coughing and choking, the black gas soffocating them. "We have to get back!" Joxn yelled. "The Buttholsians have farted!" The fart gas infiltrated the fallen Buttholsian's nostrils, and they rose again, their eyes searing with the unearthly yellow of the living dead. "We will return for David next time!" Joxn growled, and led his crewmen safely back to his ship. But the Buttholsian zombies laughed with evil glee. "David is mine!" Dolby shrieked.

The epic war continued for several days, with the S.S. Alpha team chasing the S.S. Buttholes across the Sequences and Series Sea, the Calculus Bee Sea, and finally into the individual Mu Sound. There, a bloody battle ensued, with Joxn releasing his beastly team, with gas masks, on the Buttholsian zombies. Finally, Joxn burst into the deep lairs of the S.S. Buttholes ship, following the cries of David ringing from below.


	5. The Balled of Joxn and David

Chapter Five: The Balled of Joxn and David

Joxn raced down the ship into the jail cells. On the center cell lay the bleeding naked body of his ship cook, David. "They whipped me!" groaned David.

"Looks like Buttholes and I have something in common after all..." thought Joxn as he helped David to his feet, trying not to touch David's bleeding gashes. David whimpered in pain but held still as Joxn bent down to grab David's bloody pirate sword.

"It'll be all right, love" Joxn whispered in David's ear and wrapped his arms around him. However, hearing screams above the ship, Joxn knew he had no time left so taking David's hand, he pulled him towards the ship deck.

When the two reached the deck, Joxn was alarmed at the sight before him. There stood Jeremy and Steve, first mates of the S.S. Buttholes. Knowing he was outnumbered two to one, by much stronger pirates, and had David to protect, he knew this could be it. Joxn quickly set David down behind him and brandished his pirate sword once more to defend his shipmate. Steve and Jeremy rapidly drew their sabers and swung at Joxn at the same moment. Joxn easily parried their blows, but he knew in order to escape, he had to gain the upper hand.

Joxn steadily drove the Buttholes duo backwards and ferociously defended David. The thought of David bleeding next to him inspired him to fight with all his power. He felt like a cat defending his territory, what rightfully belonged to him. Suddenly Jeremy stumbled, and Joxn unarmed him and made a deep slash across his throat. As Jeremy fell down unconsciously, Joxn picked up the free saber and fought using Jeremy's sword as skillfully as using his own. He began attacking Steve with both swords. He parried a blow from the left, from the right, flipped behind the sail to confuse Steve. As Steve slashed empty air, Joxn jumped up from he other side and sliced through the sail and Steve's chest in one swift motion. His heart was racing as he sprinted back to the post where he had left David.

Joxn was horrified at the sight ahead of him. David's limp body laid at the back of the ship, cold and lifeless. Joxn gently laid his hand on David's pirate sword, which now felt cold and lifeless without the warmth of it's master. John blinked (h style) as hot tears rolled down his face. "NOOOO!" he cried. "NOOOO!"

Joxn felt as if his heart was ripped out of his chest. Maxwell the parrot flew over and landed on his shoulder.

"Ohhh David, ohhh David" Joxn sang softly... "Squak" agreed Maxwell. (The following song is to the tune of "Because I Got High" by Afroman)

I was gonna save David's life

But my sword is too short

I was gonna destroy Buttholes' ship

But my sword is too short

Now David is cold and lifeless and I know why

Why maaaaaan?

Because my sword is too short

My sword is too short

My sword is too short

Bah da buh buh buh

Pirate Captain Joxn passed out from pain...


	6. Back to Reality

Chapter Six: Back to Reality

Joxnstar awoke. Another pirate dream. Joxnstar sighed. He thought that with his new leadership of Twincestclan and the nine lives given to him by many of the great leaders before him and the strange new marking that appeared above his right paw, he would have forgotten about his rabid addiction for pirates. Joxnstar nuzzled Tahsisleaf and breathed in his scent. Joxnstar was instantly comforted by the scent of his own littermate. After nudging Tahsisleaf awake, Joxnstar began the duties assigned to them as leader and deputy. Joxnstar padded over to the apprentice den. Rainpaw, Waynepaw, Joepaw, and Hopepaw were waiting sleepily by the entrance.

"Ready for some training today?" mewed Joxnstar. Joxnstar was the only warrior neither injured from the big battle nor pushed into a fire by his own littermate, so he was tasked with training the apprentices for the time being.

Rainpaw, Waynepaw, Joepaw, and Hopepaw hopped after Joxnstar into the pine forest. Waynepaw hated pine forests! The worst thing she can think of is if she were named Waynepine as a warrior! Imagine that!

Since they were going hunting, Joepaw was very happy. Joepaw caught lots of mice but he ate them all and didn't leave anything for everyone else. Waynepaw hated that since Joepaw ate her food too. She pushed Joepaw off a pine tree when he was catching a squirrel.

"What the shrew farts!" Joepaw spluttered and broke his fluffy tail.

"Pay attention," Joxnstar commanded, but Hopepaw decided to knock him out with a rock.

"Nice one!" Waynepaw paw-fived Hopepaw, "Double attempted catcide!"

"Hey, let's jump on his unconscious body!" suggested Hopepaw. The four apprentices hopped onto Joxnclaw's body and unsheathed their claws.

"Hoppity hoppity hop!" exclaimed the warriors, "this is fun!" as they hopped up and down on his limp form.

Tahsisleaf walked out of the camp and ran into the training crew. He looked at Joxnstar's limp form and decided to also jump on his body.

"Ew, gross!" Hopepaw exclaimed and the apprentices sauntered off to the river. There, they saw another strange cat named Minjiapaw. She was with a RiverClan patrol! With her was the clan leader!

"I heard Shadowclan has had some drastic changes," The leader said. Suddenly, Joxnstar exploded onto the scene. Joepaw tripped him as he ran past to defend the border and he went crashing into the river. The apprentices witnessed his powers in action when he rose up out of the water like a waterbender cat.

Joxnpaw thought the RiverClan leader had pushed him so he drowned him in the river. Then, Joepaw told him the truth and Joxnstar felt silly for being such a rabbit head paws! As he should because Minjiapaw ran back to the camp to tell of how Twincestclan had declared war. But before that, she had to eat the RiverClan warriors body because she has to eat 24-7.

The apprentices all cheered because RiverClan sucked. They couldn't wait to do battle but first they have to train for some fighting. Joxnstar told the apprentices to attack each other but instead they decided to roll him in brambles so he was trapped and looked super silly.

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha h!" purred Joepaw, Hopepaw, Waynepaw, and Rainpaw. Joxnstar looked super silly and you had better believe it!


	7. Still on the Good Part

Chapter Seven: Still on the Good Part

Joxnstar eventually got himself untangled from the brambles and the apprentices and he went back to the camp to tell everyone the exciting news. He wanted to create a battle patrol, but first he realized he was so incompetent that he forgot to give the apprentices mentors. Joxnstar called all of the clan to a meeting.

"Tahsisleaf, pass your abstract thinking and adaptivity towards Joepaw. Sethwhisker, pass your intuition and amazing memory to Rainpaw. Maxpad, you just suck rat genitalia so you can pass absolutely nothing to Waynepaw, but we don't have enough warriors. Hopepaw, you will be mentored by me and I will pass on my good looks and charisma." Joxnstar announced.

Rainpaw cheered, Waynepaw groaned, and Hopepaw pretended to claw her throat out. Joepaw didn't notice anything happened because he was zoning out.

"You need a well attitude to become a well warrior." Maxpad the grouchy mcgrouch-face reprimanded.

"You need a good attitude to suck my cat penis." Waynepaw responded.

"Woah, that was way out of character," Joepaw remarked.

"I have an announcement to make." announced Joxnstar. "Your first lesson with your new mentors will be in battle with RiverClan. A patrol has just informed me that RiverClan cats are gathering on our border next to the river. I want all the apprentices on the front line of battle."

"Man, I'm so excited! A real battle!" exclaimed the apprentices. Soon, the Twincestclan warriors were gathered by the river. They could see the glaring eyes and flickering tails and hear the hisses and screeches of their enemies. Tahsisleaf and the apprentices shivered in anticipation.

And suddenly, just like that, the battle began. Cats ran across the river, scratching and clawing. A RiverClan warrior pinned Joxnstar to the ground. Joxnstar tried summoning his pirate powers, but whenever he launched a jet of water at a RiverClan cat, the RiverClan cat simply swam through it. The RiverClan warrior was just about to claw out Joxnstar's throat when Tahsisleaf screeched, "Nooooo!"

Tahsisleaf flipped over onto his back and spread his hind legs apart. Suddenly, Tahsisleaf shot out a giant kitten and hit the RiverClan warrior right in the head. Tahsisleaf had a magical power too!

"Yes!" shouted Tahsisleaf. "Headshot!" The battle ensued, with cats fighting and Tahsisleaf shooting kittens at other cats. Soon, the battle was finished and Twincestclan had won. Tahsisleaf collected the three kits that survived out of all the ones he shot out and Joxnstar purred. "Our first litter, Tahsisleaf" he mewed, entwining his tail with Tahsisleaf's.

"I name them Carlokit, Erickit, and Reinerkit" Tahsisleaf mewed. "Welcome, join us" mewed the other Twincest queens in union.


	8. The Good Part is Getting Even Better

Chapter Eight: The Good Part is Getting Even Better

The next day Tahsisleaf was in the Nursery nursing his kits, when Joxnstar came to visit. "I'm so proud of them Tahsisleaf," he purred as he watched Tahsisleaf nurse their kits. "I'm worried about what will happen to them if we lose our impending battle with WindClan."

"Don't worry," purred Tahsisleaf as he leaned forward to nuzzle Joxnstar's neck. "I completely trust you and your leadership. You're my littermate and my regular mate, and an excellent leader. It'll be fine"

Nerypool, the medicine cat, entered the Nursery and begin checking all the kits. "Hello Nerypool," mewed Joxnstar. Nerypool give a mew of acknowledgement, but didn't say anything else. Joxnstar noticed this was strange, Nerypool usually spoke a lot. Nerypool quickly finished checking the kits and rushed out without a word. "Nerypool's acting a bit strange," noted Tahsisleaf.

On the day of the battle, something went terribly wrong. Tahsisleaf was frantic because his kits were gone! Were they stolen? Tahsisleaf thought so, and so did Joxnstar. Upon further inspection, Nerypool was also gone.

"We will find your kits!" The four apprentices exclaimed, since Joepaw had already picked up a scent at the entrance of the camp.

"Alright," replied Joxnstar, let me give you your warrior names real quick before you go just in case you die!" The four apprentices mewed in excitement. "Joetail, Wayneturtle, Hopemouth, and Rainheart!" he announced and then turned around to lead his clan to battle. The new warrriors set off on the journey, following the scent not to WindClan, but surprisingly to old Thunderclan territory.

Meanwhile, Joxnstar led the warriors Sethwhisker, Maxpad, and Tahsisleaf, and other members of his Clan towards WindClan for attack. They were surprised to see the WindClan cats ready for them with Nerypool in front.

"You turnpelt!" Joxnstar exclaimed, "I thought you were going to molest my kitties but instead you do something much worse!"

Nerypool shook his muzzle in disappointment at Joxnstar's words. "Molestation is not funny. Just the fact that you mentioned it to me makes you a terrible person. Good thing your apprentices kept you from showing me a promiscuous story in the real world."

Joxnstar didn't know what he was talking about but just ignored it. "Attack!" he cried.

In old Thunderclan territory, the warriors decided to frolic a little and were glad they got out of fighting. Joetail caught a frog and ate it.

"Oh my Starclan, Joetail," Wayneturtle shook her head, "You need to stop eating that. You will receive heart issues for sure.

Joetail clutched a paw to his chest and cringed while the other warriors jumped around him in worry. "Just kidding!" shouted Joetail. "Hahaha" the warriors laughed in unison. "Lolz" The warriors frolicked some more and all was well.


	9. The Good Part is at Its Climax

Chapter Nine: The Good Part is at Its Climax

Meanwhile, at WindClan territory, the battle raged. Cats fought cats, Joxnstar fought Nerypool, and Tahsisleaf fought the urge to make dirt on himself. "This is it," thought Joxnstar. "If I win this battle, all the clan will be united under Twincestclan! Littermates will marry littermates, all will be well again. I'm uniting us all, like the QingShiHuangDiStar of the legends. Or even better, I will become a pirate!"

This thought motivated Joxnstar to lead his clan to victory. By dawn the next morning, all the cats in the forest were under Joxnstar's command. Joxnstar rose in victory and padded over to Tahsisleaf to nuzzle his neck. "All for you, Tahsisleaf"

Suddenly, the very QingShiHuangDiStar of the legends appeared before Joxnstar. " You are the second cat to be able to unite all the clans. I will grant you a wish as a reward."

This was it. Joxnstar's dream. It was finally coming true. "I wish I were a pirate" he whispered. And suddenly, everything went black.


	10. Denouement

Chapter Ten: Denouement

Joxn awoke on a bus. His mouth was really dry, his eyes were sore, and a wonderful scent filled the air. Joxn looked up, to see only a heavy cloud surrounding him. Putting on his glasses, Joxn squinted through the fog to see none other than Tahsis at the front of the bus, steering the wheel, and smoking a huuuuge roll of (suprise, suprise) weed. Joxn sighed with relief. He was high the whole time off Tahsis's weed and it was all a giant dream. He looked to his right. Next to him sat his best friend Maxwell, still asleep. Looking past Maxwell, he saw all his other friends. Hope, Yuxin, Wenli, Annie, Danny, Caleb, Alex, Josh, and many others. Joxn smiled to himself, shook his head, and settled back down. He was surrounded by his friends. Closing his eyes and drifting off again, he whispered, "at least there are always some things that aren't just dreams." Awwwww.


End file.
